It's been a busy summer. All of a sudden, the weather turned cool and I like the breeze but I wonder, where did the time go? They say that life speeds up when you get older. I didn't believe it would happen so soon.
I thought I'd never get out of my 20s, that that angst and drama and feeling like things would never settle down and that I would never know what to do with my life, or never have any money, would ever go away. Some of it did. And some of it didn't- does anyone ever know what to do with their lives? It's hard, in a busy life, in a world that moves so fast, to keep your eye on what you think or say you want, to believe that even though it's not in front of you, that that's just a matter of "not yet" and not "never."
I have never been good with patience, and maybe that's an immaturity thing but what I'm starting to see is that it may be a matter of faith. I am a a spiritual person. I pray (yes, for those of you who think I'm an atheist because I am not a Catholic like I was raised to be). I pray to the universe, that which connects me to the trees and the earth and to all of you. I meditate. I listen for guidance. And some times I get glimpses, glimpses that what I want, who I believe I am supposed to be, is real and within me.
But how does one keep that faith when they can't even recognize a whole summer has gone by? When our whole lives seem to be consumed by what's happening right now, how do we see that we are still on the right path, heading towards what we want when we don't immediately see results? I think the answer is faith, but I doubt my own faith. Often.
It's said that there is no faith without doubt. Well, I must have a shit load of faith then because I doubt a lot. I wish I could say that my belief in myself and in the universe supersedes everything. That I am one of those strong and confident women who is entrepreneurial and believes she can do anything, much like a lot of the women in my generation that I admire. But to be honest, I am sometimes consumed by fear.
Fear that it will just never happen for me.
I am only 33 and yet I feel like I'm already too old, that by now I should have a kid or two and a house and/or a thriving business where I am my own boss that brings in a comfortable amount of income. But I don't have any of those things. I have a day job and I make movies with Michael and I act and I sometimes write (hard for me of late) and I aspire to be. I'm told I'm building up the tools, gaining experience, making myself ready. It's like I've been going to the gym my whole life in order to be strong and healthy but truthfully, my body is sore and tired because I've overworked it and I'm ready to just wear a fucking bikini already. Did that make any sense?
I feel like I've done enough prep for the life I know I want and sick of being consumed by the pace of this world and my own fear. My muscles are ready. I am ready. And yeah, I'm fucking impatient and I want what I want and I want it right now. Why is that a bad thing? Who has ever been content with waiting on the tarmac? Isn't the point in life to take off to new heights? To change and grow and evolve? Isn't that what humans just do naturally?
I'm tired of my life as is, even if so much of it looks a lot like the rest of Americans. This is not a judgment. More power to you if you are happy with the way your time passes. This feeling within me, this restlessness and this impatience and even the fear, maybe it's not a bad thing. Maybe I need to feel all these things in order to grow... or rather to explode.